When You Give Up On Things

I have reached a point in my life now that I have just given up on certain things. I once had a fancy life with lots of fine things, but now I live pay check to pay check, and try to never splurge. Relationships are not a possibility for me anymore. I tried to have a relationship with a man after my husband and I had been separated for almost a year, but it ended horribly. By horribly I mean that I was owed a large sum of money, was degraded once again, but worst of all I had to explain to my children why another father figure was gone. The relationship had lasted a little over a year, but ended with me being told that I was to distant and not affectionate. The truth is that I no longer have the ability to let anyone that close to me again. I was madly in love with my husband, and I still think that he was my soul mate. That soul though faded away, almost as if he had died in front of my eyes. I want to love again, and to be loved. Well I have loved again, but it was not the same fire inside. I am broken and no person can love me. I keep myself at a distance from men, and it seems that no madder what I try, I cant get close to anyone. No amount of counseling  or time will be able to fix this, I am afraid. Lately it seems that I have been so isolated. In the past month I have had so much trouble sleeping, just like when my husband and I split up. The only decent nights sleep that I have had was the other night when Emerich had a nightmare and slept with me. I can not sleep more then a few hours at a time. I usually take a nap when the twins do, and it helps, but I miss having someone hold me while I sleep. I don't know how to explain this really. I hope that this will pass again to some degree. After a few months of being apart when we split up I was able to sleep most nights, but I have had a few spells of the insomnia since. They seem to go with times of stress of the heart. My boyfriend and I split up about a month ago, and I had to face my husband in court about a month ago. I still often refer to him as my husband just because I still love what he use to be, and the man I divorced is not the man that I married. Many people say things like that, but my case is a little different. A brain injury changes everything about a person. I need to end this post, because I am supposed to be up and getting my children ready for school in an hour.